ok so last blog was nuked and spent a few days wondering whether or not i should start a new 1. the answer as you can see is yes, i did. Although i no longer have any of the followers that gave me the good advice that i feel i need right now.
I'm slipping into a very dark place right now and it's driving me insane. I honestly think that i may be bipolar or manic depressive but i don't get depressed to often and frankly i'm not even sure if what i'm feeling is depression, i just know that it's very dark and not like me. I'm feeling very lonely and angry and confused and lost and empty right now and i don't know why. I've got this nagging feeling that i'm worhtless and that i shouldn't be trying anymore and to just give up. But i still have the little voice in my head saying "don't you fucking dare" What i'm feeling is very difficult to explain and i don't know if what im trying to explain is even understandable. It's like i have 2 different personalities in my mind fighting for control right now. 1 being the normal grab the bull by the horns and take charge of life, fuck the world, i'm me, better to ask for forgiveness than permission me that i normally am. 2 being a submissive i don't care, i'm tired, just give up, everything is my fault, self pitying, wallowing in guilt person that i dont even know. The thing is i don't want to do anything stupid..... i've felt like this a few times before and have made stupid decisions following those times, most notably almost everythime i begin to feel like this i leave my job and i like my job and want to keep it, other times i have hurt those around me and pushed away people like Kay that were amazing friends. The first time i felt this way was when i was 12 and i walked into the kitchen pulled otu a butcher's knife and sliced my arm in front of my brither ad my cousin, needed 12 stitches in my arm and i still have the scar as a reminder of course i lie about what it really is though. I'm in a place where i feel angry and violent but weak and vulnerable but more than all of that it's covered witha sense of numbness. Where even if i tried to do something to corerect it i won't feel enough to fix what ever the problem really is. When i cut my arm when i was 12 i felt 0 pain. No pain when i cut my arm or when i bandaged it up myself or when they stook needles in it to numb it for the stitches or when i would hit it after the pain meds wore off to feel or rather see if i could feel. I didn't even take the pain medication they gave me for it. I'm in a dark place right now and i don't like it and i don't know how to correct it. It always just works itself out in a few days or weeks or so but i hate this feeling, i hate feeling helpless and worthless but at the same time having the strength to say it will be over soon just ride it out. I hate being strong when i want to be able to be weak. I hate shouldering so much because i can when others can't. I hate always helping others when i can't help myself. I hate how i always have the right thing to say to everyone but me. I hate how i always push people away when i need them teh most. I hate that i throw away the realtionships that i want the most. I hate who i am..... or rather who i am able to be. I hate that i've become this pillar of strength for everyone that knows me, someone they can always rely on to do 150% when others can only do 50%, someone that will take on 1 million to one odds and win, someone that never shows signs of weakness, i hate that i represent hope and what someone can do to the people i grew up around. I hate being looked up to when i want to just stop and roll over. I've created this strong person out of neccessity for survival and that's what everyone looks to and expects, but i just want to be able to cry and to be able to give up and to be able to stop pushing forward and to just be average. I'm tired of being special and strong and dependable. I'm so fucking lost right now......
anyway i'm back and prolly gonna stay for a while. I'll explain all that happened later on.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Just try to do one thing for me, will you?
ReplyDeleteWrite just as long a post about what you like and what you love instead of what you hate.
And then let's just take it from there.
i would if i could actually think or say what i actually like right now
ReplyDeleteExcellent advice...
ReplyDeleteWhat you're talking about is very understandable to those of us who have fought (and, are fighting) with depression. Just know that you're not alone, and, listen to that little voice telling you, "don't you fucking dare."
Welcome back Wyatt.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Micky, it's easy to get lost in the depth and darkness within ourselves. I've been there myself. For me the way out was exactly what Micky mentioned, try focus on what's positive in your life and go from there.
Take care!
You sure you were not reading my entire life inner thoughts when you read this? Because most of that is how I feel all the time - maybe it's not me, maybe it is something that all people struggling with depression and worse, feel like all the time.
ReplyDeleteBut in a way I am jealous, and hopeful for you - because in the "I hate" parts you write - it seems you DO have the strength, will, and resolve to do those things and be a strong person. Something I lack - so look at that as quite positive, you are ahead of the pack just by virtue of being able to get yourself out of "it" and back on a normal keel.
Anyway - *big hugs* and always feel free to talk if you need to
Wyatt, I am sorry blogger removed your blog. I never saw anything in it that would have raised anyone's eyebrows or have been a cause for concern.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had words for you that would take away your pain and self-doubt, but I don't. The good thing here is that you can recognize that those thoughts are not what you want them to be and can still fight against them. All I can say is keep fighting.
Buddy, there are people out here who like what you have to say and like getting to know you through your blogs. And since we keep coming back, it means we really like who you are and find a great deal of worth inside of you.
Now, you need to see the good in you as well.
yea ... but sometimes i don't wanna be a strong person. you know, it's like i never get the option not to be strong because i've always been on my own and i'm tired of it
ReplyDeleteI hear that Wyatt. We all need someone to talk to, to dump on, to be hugged by when we are feeling alone. As an online friend, I cant do that, buddy, but please please know that I am concerned about you and wish I could do more than just type platitudes. :(
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Wyatt.
hey Wyatt - if you need a friend there's lots of people here who can lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on when you need it
ReplyDeleteI just found you again. That was powerful, a real cry from the heart. Sometimes you just gotta say it. What matters now is what you do about it.
ReplyDeleteYou need someone to talk to, someone you can trust, someone who wont reject you cos you say the wrong thing. That means paying for it. Find a psychologist, counsellor, psychoanalyst, therapist whatever doesn't matter what they call themselves so long as you can trust them.