Tuesday, August 11, 2009
breaking point?
after everything I've just sunk even lower. I tried reaching out to my mom for help but all she did was attack me and who i was... my dad still wont talk to me and even if i did talk to him he'd prolly just lecture me and say there was nothing he could do. I mean things were starting to get better and then this whole situation just jumped up and kicked me in the balls and I'm on my knees again trying to breathe but I'm lower than I've ever been. I hate to admit it but admittance is the first step of recovery right? well shit if its not then maybe some of you can help with this but I've actually seriously contemplated suicide about 50 times over the last month, and I'm completely against suicide. I don't know who i am anymore or what to do. I would go see a psychologist but i don't have any insurance anymore so now what the fuck do i do? I was actually to the point where i was going to seek out professional help and then my way of accessing it was completely pulled out from under me. Everyone just keeps saying "hang in there it'll get better it has to" but what if i can't wait that long?I'm tired of fighting and being strong, i need a way out...... and i need one fast I'm breaking, inside and out and there's not much of me left, you probably wont understand what I'm saying but it's like i can feel myself slipping away like I'm watching it happen and there's nothing i can do to stop it. I don't have family willing to help and i don't have any friends here that will help, the only two people that i know would help me are thousands of miles away and i haven't spoken with them in months, i'm alone in the dark right now and i'm at my breaking point....
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im takin a shot in the dark here, but im bipolar an been loked up 3 times in psych ward. if u need help, go to any hosp ER , they cann ot turn u away ,by law.. but its nearly like jail. a shitty way to have to go. personally, i punch a door or wall until the rage lessens.. dislocated a shoulder an broke my hand sunday.. get ur head strait or u cant be rational on the rest... chk my blog.. i dont give out all the gory details, cause of paranoia.. but stop the spiral now!
ReplyDeletethe only two people that i know would help me are thousands of miles away
ReplyDeleteSO GO THERE?
@ slave simon
ReplyDeletei have definitely thought about just up and traveling back to NY but there are certain problems with me doing that. like a place to live money to get there insurance for my car repairs for my car moving everything i own aside from that i believe that it is still an open investigation and if i leave the state i think that would implicate guilt on my part i still have no idea whats going on with the case
ive run back home a dozen times, problems catch u.. its a very short term solution, out of fear. everytime, my family has completely disowned me.. plz plz get profssional advice to get your thoughts settled. plz!
ReplyDeleteI kind of missed half of this situation, so I must say this regarding the psychiatric part. You MUST go to a hospital, as yowza said, they CANNOT refuse to treat you. Most hospitals have some form of mental health crisis unit, you simply call the emergency room (or go there, obviously) and tell them you are in crisis (suicidal) and they will connect you with the right people. They will admit you, and provide treatment, and help you arrange for the proper intermediate or long-term treatment.
ReplyDeleteI do hope you are not just sitting there alone in your apartment thinking about these things and down to the desperate level. I'm not trained or anything, but if you need email, or I'm usually on in the evenings (6-10pm EST to chat).
It's cliche, but hang in there, and DO keep fighting.
*hugs*